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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.